I have become a wedding curmudgeon.
I used to think it was just because I don’t like getting dressed up and going
to church. While that is true, it sounds like a very weak excuse - not a reason
to avoid a wedding. Another excuse is
the idea that it’s boring. Weddings today are anything but boring. The ways to
prolong and over-complicate the joining of two people into one social and financial
unit are awe-inspiring. Consider this menu that I found online.
Lighting candles, mixing sand,
throwing rocks, and filling a bowl with colored glass are all tributes to the
uniting of people and families. The rock-throwing thing is not as transparent
as the rest; the idea is that the stones sink into an eternal ocean where they
will remain unchanged forever. I think this is laughably wishful thinking.
Even stones change eventually. Besides, how often do people get married next to
a body of water?
More alarming are the practices of
releasing butterflies or doves. Forcing winged creatures to sit in a box for
hours and then fly out in a display of ecstatic levity is not only ridiculous,
it’s cruel. Having the couple face each other and wrapping a chord around their
clasped hands is too close to bondage for my taste. A variant is looking at each
others’ hands while saying that these are the hands that will help, and comfort
and work for each other. I am pretty sure I would giggle if I saw that. Doing
any two of these things in the same ceremony would be downright annoying.
The only idea I really liked on
this list of possibilities was the children’s ceremony. I saw that done,
recently. It seemed lost on the children, but it was a great reminder to
everyone else that it isn’t all about the happy couple in blended marriages. Stepchildren
are being married, too. At the same
wedding, the couple walked in together and sat down at the front of the church
instead of doing the grand procession of the bride. That set the right tone,
for me. Marriage shouldn’t be about the dress and the makeup and the graceful
(yeah?) walk of the bride. In fact, I was happy to be at that wedding.
So – weddings are not by their
nature boring. I still don’t like going. I have considered the idea that I am
envious of the two people starting a new life together. I can dismiss that
quickly by noting that I think they are in for a rocky road to comfortable
cohabitation. And in spite of that, I am really very happy for people who are
willing to try to love each other for life. After all, I was foolish enough to
think a ceremony solidified true love. My love is true, but rarely solid. It
waxes and wanes, flies and slogs along by turns. Fortunately, my husband is
still willing to love me.
The kind of wedding I would really
enjoy attending is one that is simple, on the short side, and emphasizes the
personal transitions of these two humans. This woman will be putting her maiden
self aside. She will rely more on wisdom and patience than on beauty. She may need
help to keep from losing her self hood in this relationship. And probably she will become a mother – the
most profound transition in a woman’s life. This man will let go of selfish
activities. He will mature to the point that his family’s welfare will be as
important to him as his own. He will learn to defend his values, not his
abilities. And he will multiply his inner strength and sense of responsibility
by two or three or more in the years to come.
Why don’t we say these things? Why
do we cling to the notion of miraculous and effortless happiness right down to
the moment when that fantasy ends? We could acknowledge the magnitude of this
moment. We might make this a rite of passage as well as a celebration. It would
bring a sense of reality and profound importance to a personal transformation
that throwing rocks and releasing birds and lighting candles cannot pretend to signify.
I would be much happier to attend an
nontraditional but truthful kind of wedding. Even though I still don’t like to dress up
and go to church.
Lari Jo Walker
May 31, 2012
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